Fly Away

I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away

Struggling to find the words of what I feel is a reoccurring problem that I have. I never am able to say the right thing at the right time. My words are of no high intelligence. When I hurt, this song is what comes to mind. Allowing me to escape reality.

Dreams/Nightmares

"I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams."

-Jonas Salk

How can you not see the hurt that your words caused? How can you not feel the pain that you've caused others? How can you say that what I feel is unnatural without even knowing what I feel? How do you know that it is wrong? Are you scared? Why are you scared? Is it wrong for me to dream to be with someone that I love for all time?

I have nightmares. Nightmares that currently have been brought on by you. They are filled with you as the demons and monsters. Chasing, growling, and screaming at me. Constantly trying to pull me down. Like Dr. Salk, I too conquer my nightmares with my Dreams. Even if it is one dream, it is mine.

I am tired of taking a back seat to other's feelings. What about me? Why do I have to sit quietly when everyone else gets to welcome over their friends and loved ones? Why do I need to be cautious of who comes to see me? Why should I live in fear? Living in fear, is not living.

So many people have lost hope, faith and themselves in the search of finding what others have said they should be. But God made man in his image. He gave all men the mind, body and soul that he created.

Dreaming is not only a way to escape from the hurt and suffering of reality, but it is a way to build a brighter future.

I want to see the Trevi Fountain. I want to climb the steps of the Eiffel Tower. I want to get lost in the hallways of the Tate Modern Museum. These are all things that I want. But these are not the things I dream for.

I dream of getting married to a man who I love and respect. I dream of having a home that is welcomed to all. And finally, I dream of starting a family.

These are my dreams. These are what I am working for. I know it might take years before all of my dreams come true, but I know that when they do, all of the hard work will be paid off. And when I sleep at night, my dreams will conquer my nightmares.

Sins?

I have started over on this post several times in an hour's time. Each one starting differently. But all in the contexts of hatred and frustration. I then have taken another hour in editing and revising what I've chosen to write. It is not great. It's not master piece. But it's my feelings. So here it is, a blog that took 3 hours to write and a few weeks to rest on before publishing to the internet.

I am Gay. I am a good person. For a very long time I was scared to say both of those sentences. The first one I was scared to say because I believed I would be cast out from my family, friends and church. The second sentence, I was scared to say because I didn't know that I was. I never thought that those two sentences could ever work to describe one person. Being gay was a sin, and good people don't sin.

This is false. Most sins are mistakes. Mistakes that make people grow and better themselves. And being gay is not a sin, NOR is it a "lifestyle." It is simply that way you are. Gay, straight or bisexual. God delivered you as such. Let no man tell you are "unnatural." The unnatural truth is for you to deny how you feel.

We live in a land and age that is meant for every person to be able to live their own life without fear. Change is needed. How can we as a society claim to be a righteous and equal land, when we grant rights to some, while denying them to others? How is that fair?

I'm tired of crying alone at night. I can not handle reading of another teenager's life been taken away at a young age. We as a society, can and need to change the behavior that is out there.

Lux Aurumque

Lux, Lux

Lux, Lux

Lux Lux

Calida

Calida

Gravis que

Gravis que

Gravis que

Pura

Pura velut aurum

canunt et canunt et canunt

et canunt angeli

canunt moliter

natum, modo natum.

I simply can not express the meaning this song has for me. I first heard this, when I was able to sing it in my high school choir. I remember sitting there in my seat and wiping away a few tears. It was amazing at how heavy and light this song was capable of becoming.

Light, Light

Light, Light

Light, Light

Warm

Warm

and heavy/loaded/pregnant/deep/dignified*

and heavy/loaded/pregnant/deep/dignified*

and heavy/loaded/pregnant/deep/dignified*

Pure

Pure as if gold

(They) sing/prophesy and (they) sing/prophesy and (they) sing/prophesy.

When ever I hear this song, it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time. It seems to grow and change over time. Never relaying the same message. Teaching a new lesson to life.

I believe everyone has that one true life. One true love. And one true song. One song that speaks to them and tells them exactly what they need to hear. It represents who they are. I believe this song is mine.

Where is your pain at? 0 or 10?

I found myself staring out the window today at work. I was inside decorating a tree, when I saw a Mother Deer and her fawn. It brought true peace to me. There was no need of rush to get the tree done, or a worry of my up coming test. Just peace. Snow had covered the ground and was still falling. I was reminded of those small, simple miracles that happen everyday.

Again tonight, I am in bed, with pain in my chest and I still am trying to remember that feeling I had looking out of that window.

I want the pain to go away. I want a definite answer as to why I have the pain. I want to know how to make the pain stop.

I do remember the first time I ever woke up in the middle of the night with this pain.

I was 14. Suddenly I woke up with this extreme pain in my chest. I felt as if I was being constantly stabbed all over my chest. I started screaming and crying. I ran into my parents' bedroom and woke them up. They had no idea what was going on. They laid me on their bed and my Mom held me telling me everything was going to be ok. With time the pain past. In the morning, we went to the see a Doctor.

For the next 6 months, we received the same message, nothing. They found nothing wrong to be causing the pain. One doctor even told me it was all in my head. There was no real pain. I have never wanted to punch someone in face more then that man.

Finally, we found one Doctor who believed that due to all my health complications there was definitely a tie between those and the pain. But as to finding it, no luck. So for now I have my pain medication, some answers and some questions.

Tonight, I remind myself of things I once didn't know the answer too.

I am not abnormal. I am not losing my mind. And, I am not dying.

Here I am.

Here I am.

Feelings are all unknown.

I am numb from all emotions.

A blank canvas, devoid of all color.

Here I am.

Intrigued by a single drop.

The smooth surface rippled with difference.

A new found river flowing over the untouched earth.

Here I am.

Darkness invades me.

Brightness surrounds me.

Strength built from within.

Here I am.

Feelings are all known.

I am open to all emotions.

A colored canvas.

Here I am.

Good Luck

I was twelve when I first heard the words, "Good Luck Tate." My Dad had just dropped me off for my first day of seventh grade. He rolled down the car window and yelled, "Good luck Tate." At the time I didn't think much of it. Boy, I wish I would have. Today I am 21, turning 22 in less then a month. And I still wish for good luck every day.

Ok, here comes the background; I have lived in Utah my whole life, mainly in the Salt Lake Valley. I am the youngest of four children. Thomas is the oldest, is married to Jenn. And they have two boys. With a baby in the making. Emily is next. She is probably my favorite sibling. Adam comes next. He is married to Tiffany. Finally, there's me.

Growing up being the youngest definitely had it's advantages. I admit I was spoiled compared to my siblings. I got my own room sooner then anyone else. I had a cell phone. I even had a car right when I turned 16. My family was never the "rich family" in the neighborhood, but we never went with out. This was due to my parents hard work. My family have always wished me good luck.

Friends have always been a huge part of my life. As I am sure they are with anyone. The first person I came out to was my best friend. When I was 14 I lost a dear friend. My first car accident, I was on the phone with a friend. It's amazing what I've done with my friends. And I continue to look forward to all the news things I'll experience with them all. My friends have always wished me good luck.

I've recently learned how to be happy, you yourself must just except to be happy. I've learned to be happy for the sake of being happy. I don't have to have the nicest things. I don't need approval from anyone. I don't need acceptance from anyone. But what I do need, is to be nice to myself. I need to give more approval. And I need to accept myself. Since doing this, I've become really happy with everything, mostly myself. I don't know if those are tools for everyone, but I know for me, they are all the good luck I need.