Where is your pain at? 0 or 10?

I found myself staring out the window today at work. I was inside decorating a tree, when I saw a Mother Deer and her fawn. It brought true peace to me. There was no need of rush to get the tree done, or a worry of my up coming test. Just peace. Snow had covered the ground and was still falling. I was reminded of those small, simple miracles that happen everyday.

Again tonight, I am in bed, with pain in my chest and I still am trying to remember that feeling I had looking out of that window.

I want the pain to go away. I want a definite answer as to why I have the pain. I want to know how to make the pain stop.

I do remember the first time I ever woke up in the middle of the night with this pain.

I was 14. Suddenly I woke up with this extreme pain in my chest. I felt as if I was being constantly stabbed all over my chest. I started screaming and crying. I ran into my parents' bedroom and woke them up. They had no idea what was going on. They laid me on their bed and my Mom held me telling me everything was going to be ok. With time the pain past. In the morning, we went to the see a Doctor.

For the next 6 months, we received the same message, nothing. They found nothing wrong to be causing the pain. One doctor even told me it was all in my head. There was no real pain. I have never wanted to punch someone in face more then that man.

Finally, we found one Doctor who believed that due to all my health complications there was definitely a tie between those and the pain. But as to finding it, no luck. So for now I have my pain medication, some answers and some questions.

Tonight, I remind myself of things I once didn't know the answer too.

I am not abnormal. I am not losing my mind. And, I am not dying.